My New “Occupy Wall Street” Resume

Filed Under (The HELL You Say!) by Kyle Larsen on 22-10-2011

I just realized that I’m going about this job-hunting thing all wrong!

With the success of the 99% Occupying Wall Street I need to change my look and my resume to be able to identify with them and capitalize on their success!

So I’ve made a couple of appointments and come up with a new plan:

1) Tattoo parlor – I’m thinking a full sleeve, from shoulder blade to second knuckles, of blended, naked ladies, demonic skulls, and profanity in old English gothic font down my right arm. This will ensure that even when wearing long sleeves everyone will be exposed to them and support my life choice. But it will be hard to miss what with the tribal design along my forehead, down the ocular and across my cheek on the left side of my face.

2) I’m going to grow my hair out, but only on the left side of my head. I’m going for that punk-rock 1/2 Sonic the Hedgehog / 1/2 mohawk look. But until then, I’ll start with shaving the right side of my head and dying it florescent green – I’ve always been fond of green.

3) Two words: Nose ring – I want one of the big, bull, door knocker, type to really stand out and set myself apart. Then a couple of spikes thru my right eyebrow and I should be all set! And what do ya’ll think of those earrings the size of wedding rings – or in some cases dinner plates – that are designed to stretch the lobes way beyond their natural abilities? Or would that be too much? Don’t ask about the other piercing I’m getting – you don’t wanna’ know – but they should be a big hit at the pool and lake this summer!

4) All future shopping for interview and work clothes will be done out of the DAV and Good Will trash dumpsters. Just think of the $$$ savings!!! If I’m going for a job that I really, really want – I may even wash them before the interview…

5) Resume – pare it all down to the top 1/4 of the page – lines double spaced – all caps – insert deliberate grammatical, spelling, and punctuation errors. That shouldn’t be too hard – my spelling sux anyway – just don’t run a spell check… Wait what am I thinking? I shouldn’t use a computer at all! It should be hand written on wide line paper in two different colors of ink and barely legible only after intense scrutiny under the correct lighting so that all prospective employers can see the time and effort I put into it!

6) Resume 2 – Remove all references to any form of actual accomplishment or responsibility. Be sure to include my opening demands of extremely high salary, paid retirement, paid healthcare (100%), short hours, long breaks with extra long lunches, 3 day work week, and 3 months of vacation per year. Stress the importance of a free spirit, no rulez, and creative environment lacking any type of accountability for performance.

7) Interview – Show up fashionably (30 min) late un-showered, bleary eyed, smelling of “incense” and alcohol. I must be sure to act like I already have the job with every question asked, and must be as vague or evasive as possible. I definitely must leave the interviewer with the impression that I’m better than they are and they’re just lucky that I came to the interview.

8) Interview 2 – Refuse any testing or prequalification requirements such as: Math, comprehension, background checks, reference checks, or drug testing. Be confrontational and accusatory when asked to participate in prequalification to show confidence and assertiveness.

That should just about do it.

I figure with my new plan in place I should have new job in no time!


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